I started this whole thing for me. To get things out. To “talk” without really having to do that. It’s been really good for me. I feel like a weight is lifted. I could write it in a journal and keep it to myself, and some may wonder why I don’t. I tried that. It still felt bottled up. So I moved to this. That way it’s “out there”. Someone is hearing me. And quite honestly, that’s enough.
For one reason or another, I need to be heard. It can’t stay with me in order for me to truly get it out. This is not to say that I don’t have an amazing group of people to listen. I do. But they may need a break too! So if you’re reading this, thank you for listening.
I really think we have been doing great. We have this. My little people and I are a force! Make no mistake about that. I go out of my way to make sure the kids are good. I want them to feel loved, happy, and as much as possible pain free of this ordeal that none of us had any control over. But I forgot about me. Not really, but maybe subconsciously. I thought I was fine. And I am. But I think I forgot for a second that it’s still necessary for me to grieve. I’m not grieving my husband, so I guess I felt like I should just get over it. NEGATIVE.
PJ was no longer my husband, but he was the father of my children. I no longer have that second opinion. And I miss that. Parenting is tough. And even though we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, I did seek his advice on my kids. I did rely on him for things that he can’t be here for now. And when my daughter tries out for the school talent show, and sings her little heart out, I want to share that with her Dad.
Today, I woke up sad. Not for me. For them. They do not deserve this. It’s not fair. I don’t know why I woke this way. Maybe I had a dream that I don’t remember. Maybe it’s because someone talked me into a grief group that only took me back to that day and now I feel like it started all over. Maybe it’s because July is upon us soon. Who knows? But I don’t like it.
Wheres the normal? I want to go home at night and have that normal feeling again. The feeling that is “this is life! It’s the way it’s going to finally settle” And maybe this is it. Maybe this is the way life will be. What exactly am I waiting for to make me have that feeling? I don’t know. I really don’t. But if I had to guess, it’s me! I’m waiting on myself to be ok with the fact that I am the sole decision maker. And that’s ok. I know that. I suppose I just didn’t go into parenting thinking I would do this alone.
And maybe I won’t. Only time will tell that. I can’t focus on the future, although I do think about it. The present is right here in front of me. And for the first time in my life, I finally understand what it means to focus on the now, because that’s what creates the future!