Good, bad, beautiful, and ugly

Since I was a child, I always wanted to be a Mom. It’s like it was drilled into my DNA. I daydreamed of what they’d be like and I always  hoped I’d have a boy and a girl, and possibly more!  And then it happened. It was no easy feat getting there, but by the grace of God I was blessed with the sweetest daughter and son a mom could ask for. And I can’t forget my angel babies I never got to meet.  Now they are dancing with their Daddy!  In a strange way, that gives me peace.

When you are getting ready to have a baby, it seems like everyone around you has all of this amazing advice. They’re so excited and talk about all the joy and happiness those little bundles will bring. And are they ever right!!!  Being a mother gives love a whole new meaning. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my children!

It’s not until after the baby gets here that those same people validate all the worry and exhaustion that comes with being a parent. And when you ask, “When does this part stop?” they pretty much laugh. Because it doesn’t!  I never knew my brain and heart were capable of so much worry. What will they be like?  Will they be successful?  Sending them in a car with someone else throws out every possibility that can make you shudder. When they arrive safely, it’s a sense of calm you’ve never felt. Safe to say I am a little anxiety driven.   And the exhaustion. I never knew I could function on such little sleep. I’ve become a huge nap lover. And often wish I could cash in all those naps I refused as a child!

Since PJ passed, my worries have changed. Or perhaps multiplied. I worry for their hearts-whether they are sad and not telling me, or if they’re sad and there’s  nothing I can do about it. Are they sleeping well?  Will they grow up and deal with what their Dad dealt with?  It’s just too much!  I’m working on letting that go. And they certainly don’t know I feel that way…or maybe they do. Children can be pretty intuitive!

As moms, or parents in general, we all have our moments of doubt. I know that. What I also found out from all those people that forgot to mention how hard this parenting thing can be, is they doubt themselves sometimes too. In the end we are all doing a fabulous job!

I’m just embracing the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I’d do it all over again, a million times over!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the moms, moms to be, and moms yet to be!

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