Just a memory

Tonight, my son came to me and asked me to button his jammies. This probably should have hit me before now, but it just did tonight. I’m the only option. Mommy is the only one who can button those jammies. And I will do it happily.

I read a lot of posts from moms who are so distraught because their husbands are out of town. I feel you!  It’s hard to be the only one. I’m thankful for you that they come back!  And I’m not mad at you for feeling overwhelmed without your man there to help. I’m happy for you that you have that. I’m so happy that your kids have a Daddy to come home to them.

We don’t have that here.  Here, we have a Mom. A mom that loves for a mom and Dad. It’s not the same.  But it’ll work!  I’m not a dad, but I am a mom that can love x1,000!   I’m a mom that can share memories of a dad they used to have.  A dad they will soon forget. Because they are so little, his presence will soon become a long lost memory that they will someday forget. As hard as I try, I can’t make them remember him forever. I have to be realistic and know that they will forget him. I don’t want them to. But they will. I will keep pictures in our home,talk about him often, and show them his things…but ultimately they will forget.

They won’t know Daddy. They will know his name and his face. But they won’t know him. What they know about him will be up to me.

They will know ME.   That’s a big role. I’m ok with it. But it’s still big. I’m the only one. Wow. Sometimes that hits me and I don’t know if I’m capable of the role of sole parent. But then I remember I don’t have the choice to do it differently.  I did know him enough to make decisions I think he’d be ok with. I’ll keep that in mind for the rest of my life. I have that. They don’t. And that breaks my heart.

My kids are the most amazing people. Avery is beautiful and smart. She intuitive and well beyond her years. She’s sad. Currently, she misses her dad. That will pass sooner than I think.

Landon talks about his Daddy. He isn’t really sad. He will forget first and forever. That breaks my heart.  Every little boy should have a Daddy.

I’ll always remind them. And that’s the best I can do.

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