This is why…

I often talk about how losing PJ affects my children and our family dynamics. To people who don’t know the inside and out of our lives, which is really most, this seems like a normal grieving situation. However, I have had people question why I’m so sad, given that we were divorced.

So, I’ll address that.

I met PJ when I was 25 years old. We met during a Chiefs game. It was a Friday, because they played Miami and a hurricane was on its way. I went to the usual game watching spot, Tanners, with my friend Julie. PJ was there with my other friend, Jill. He was interested, I was interested, the rest just fell into place.  I did that thing you aren’t supposed to do, which is meet a guy at a bar. But mutual friends voided that whole idea. He treated me like a princess and we fell in love. Later, we married and had two really cool kids. I skipped a few years there, but life was pretty good.

And then it wasn’t.

Ultimately, I had to make a decision for my kids that was difficult, but necessary. And when things still remained unsettled, divorce happened. And there we were…parenting “together” but apart.

We still did all visits together, holidays together, life events together.  We were not together, but we were. And while this isn’t the typical divorce situation, this is what worked for us, and what needed to happen for many reasons. I don’t expect everyone or anyone to understand that, because I didn’t really myself. It just seemed like the right thing for us.  It’s amazing what you’ll do for your kids, when you thought you never would.

Fast forward to July of 2017.  I got a phone call I never thought I’d receive.  He was gone.  And I was getting ready to live that single parent life, that people who didn’t understand what I was doing before always thought I should be doing.  I was scared, lost, and completely oblivious to what that really meant.

In our separated days, he drove me crazy. I’m sure I did the same for him.  But I never stopped loving him.  I hated his addiction with all of my being.  I hated what his addiction did to our family.  But I didn’t hate him.  So when he died, naturally I was devastated.  I will never be ashamed or sorry for that.  He was no longer my husband, but he was a huge part of my life and helped me with everything…daily mishaps, finances, and most importantly my children.  He was still our person.

Thankfully and very blessed, we are moving on.  I’m happy with an amazing man and never knew relationships could be so fun and fulfilling!  He loves my kids and they love him too!

But I’ll always miss the father of my children.  That will never pass.  I will move on.  But they will always have that void. And since I’m their mother, so will I!


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